“When Intimacy Becomes a Weapon”: Husband Speaks Out on Emotional Rejection in Marriage

 

By Dr John Mining 

In a heartfelt and troubling account shared online, a man has opened up about his painful experience of emotional and sexual rejection within his marriage, raising serious questions about the silent suffering many men endure behind closed doors.

The anonymous husband detailed how his wife consistently denies him intimacy—often citing fatigue, headaches, or suddenly escalating minor conflicts just before bedtime. According to his account, this occurs as often as five times per week. What's more, she has never initiated intimacy herself, only relenting when he completely stops trying—an act he describes as "a reward for withdrawal."

“I feel like I’m constantly begging for something that should be mutual,” the husband wrote. “When I try to talk about it, she flips the conversation, accuses me of new things, or even asks me if I want to rape her. That crushed me. No one has ever said anything like that to me.”

The emotional weight of his story has sparked strong reactions among relationship experts and social commentators—many pointing to a rarely discussed form of emotional manipulation: the weaponization of intimacy.

A Pattern of Emotional Control

Clinical psychologists say this pattern of behavior, where one partner withholds sex or affection as a form of control, can be a sign of emotional abuse.

“Sex is not an obligation—but neither is it a weapon,” says Dr. Miriam Tendo, a Nairobi-based relationship counselor. “When intimacy is consistently withheld without communication or effort, and when the affected partner is gaslit or shamed for even bringing it up, that’s not a healthy relationship. That’s psychological manipulation.”

In the man's case, attempts to meet his wife’s stated concerns were still met with coldness and rejection.

“I tried fixing everything she complained about,” he wrote. “I tried doing the dishes, helping with the kids, even stopped arguing with her. But then she still refused and said I was trying to manipulate her into sex.”

The Masculinity Trap: ‘Men Are Supposed to Persevere’

Relationship advocates say stories like this often go unnoticed due to societal expectations placed on men.

“There’s this false belief that a man must always endure emotional neglect in silence—that he must be strong, patient, and never complain,” says Dr. Tendo. “But men are human. They need love, reassurance, and affection too. When they’re denied that and made to feel like villains for needing it, it breaks something inside them.”

What’s the Way Forward?

While many sympathized with the man’s pain, experts warned against rushing toward divorce without attempting structured communication and therapy.

“Yes, withdrawal is painful. But don’t jump straight to ending the marriage,” says family mediator James Ogolla. “Try couples counseling. If she refuses to attend or is unwilling to engage in honest dialogue, then you have your answer. You cannot fix a marriage alone.”

Others stressed the need for men to seek support systems, including therapy, close friends, and support groups.

A Call for Balance and Accountability

The story has reignited the broader conversation around intimacy, entitlement, and emotional availability in marriages.

“No one owes anyone sex—but in a committed relationship, both partners owe each other honesty, affection, and mutual effort,” says Dr. Tendo. “If one partner weaponizes sex, and the other starts to see sex as owed, both are heading into dangerous emotional territory.”

As for the man in question, he’s considering retreating emotionally to gain clarity—a step many see as wise.

“I think I need to stop trying and start thinking. I don’t want to cheat or drink or fall into depression. I just want peace.”

Conclusion

His story is a powerful reminder: love and intimacy must be mutual—not demanded, not withheld, and certainly not used to control. Behind the silence of many men are untold stories of emotional exhaustion, rejection, and quiet suffering. It's time those stories were heard—and taken seriously.